Coming “too early” can be extremely frustrating for both the man and the woman. After a short time, a vicious circle of fear of failure, tension and avoidance strategies usually sets in. The fear of coming too early is so big that it becomes part of the cause. In addition, there may be feelings of shame that make it difficult to talk about it.
If we believe estimated numbers, we are looking at every fourth to fifth man in Switzerland who is suffering from “premature ejaculation”. So if you do, you’re definitely not alone with it!
Does one have to give in to one’s fate?
No! After carefully evaluating the situation you can get to the root of the possible causes and develop strategies to hold on to that sexual energy much longer. This ultimately means a more satisfying experience and prolonged pleasure.
Here are some factors that favor premature ejaculation:
- Stress / tenseness
- Insecurity / inexperience
- Fear of failure [see below]
- High expectations
- Other psychological causes
- Pelvic tenseness and unawareness
- Lacking knowledge of supporting and disabling factors
Men with this problem tend to be very attentive partners, who care for their partners wellbeing and satisfaction. It can go as far as to loosing their own connection to their body, their lust and sex drive, just because they are focusing on satisfying their partners needs. And this can, it’s a paradox, lead to the phenomenon of the premature ejaculation, because the man wants to be especially great and therefore is putting too much pressure on himself.
Is there light at the end of the tunnel? (No pun intended)
Yes, and it’s not as far away as you might think.
The first step is to develop an understanding and awareness about what is going on in your own body. Gaining awareness of your body and especially your pelvic area can already help solve the issue.
There are a few exercises that can be tried at home very easily. Try lying flat on a surface that supports your back well (therefore not on a soft mattress). First with stretched legs, then with bending your kees, tense up your glutes and release slowly. The same technique can be used for your pelvic floor muscles, which can be felt when stopping and releasing pee. This will strengthen your awareness of your muscles in that essential area and broaden your senses between feeling a tensed muscle and a relaxed muscle.
Another exercise that can be done at home (or wherever) can be masturbation. Here it is important to notice when the pelvic muscles are tense and consciously breathe and relax the muscles, instead of tensing up all the muscles as usual.
These exercises should be practiced with as much awareness and focus as possible. The more often you do them, the more you are raising your awareness of your body. More and more the body can get used to new patterns (the body learns best by repetition!). And yes, exercising can be fun 😉.
It’s possible that even through these simple exercises an improvement can be brought about. Once your body has learned how to relax the pelvic area, you can start trying it with a partner during a sexual experience as a next step.
However, it is also possible that the perception of tension is not so easy. This is especially the case when muscle tension has been high for a long time (months or years). If that’s the case, or if you’re stuck on your own for other reasons, it can be helpful to get external support.
What kind of support?
At first, possible causes need to be clarified in order to be goal-oriented and efficient. Secondly, it’s about giving the body the possibility to go through specific experiences and exercises (somatic learning), as well as getting some background information, in order to …
- Develop a better perception of what is going on in one’s own body
- Getting “tools” that help you to relax in a sexual encounter
- Learn simple stress reduction techniques that work immediately
- Acquire background knowledge, which is supportive and enriching
- Recognize where the stress factors lie and how to deal with them
- Allow the body to gain new experiences and reprogram it through repetition
Ultimately, it’s about leaving the vicious circle of fear and failure!
Picture Couple: © VadimGuzhva 156367349 / bigstockphoto.com